Panel 26 -- Humor (do you need to be told?)
TABLE OF CONTENTS of this chain:
26/ Climbing Humor
27/ Legal issues
28/ Alternative ways to read rec.climbing
1/ DISCLAIMER
2/ Previous topics
3/ Beginner's (climbing) post
4/
5/ Access
6/
7/ References
8/
9/
10/
11/
12/ Ratings and grades
13/
14/ In memoriam
15/
16/
17/
18/ Climbing GIFs
19/
20/ Weather
21/ Climbing glossary
22/ Song
23/
24/
25/
From: al@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
(Al Black)
Re: Benefit of colonic irrigation to climbers
In article <BK.BW.784143507.1103527590.cavis@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
>
Craig Avis <cavis@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> writes:
>
>Would colonic irrigation be considered a form of aid climbing?????
No, its the s****t climbing equivalent of the traditional practise
called "anal flossing". Here is the entry from the
rec.climbing.softbody FAQ.
------
How should I stop falling on higher grade climbs like 5.2 or 5.3?
The obvious answer to your question is to stop climbing at level where
you fall a lot, go have a beer or six, get some donuts, and read some
rec.climbing. But if you persist you might consider anal
flossing -- a technique developed by the young yodeling zen masters in
Vienna. Simply lead climb with the rope between your legs at all
times, and have your belayer stand well back from the wall. After
several attempts at the crux that spits you off, a higher state of
consciousness will be obtained, and you will suddenly find to
motivation to pull through (see below).
Step One
--------
View from the back View from the side.
0 0
----- <- leader |--| <- leader
| | /
/ \ | -\
| | \
| | \
| <- rope | \ <-rope
| | \
| | \
| | \
0 | \ 0
----- <- second | \--| <- second
| | /\
/ \
Step Two
---------
x <- pro
| |x <- pro
| ||
| <- rope ||
| ||
0 |\ 0
----- <- leader |-\| <- leader
| |_/\
/ \ | \ <-rope
| | \
| | \
| | \
0 | \ 0
----- <- second | \--| <- second
| | /\
/ \
Repeat ....
al
--
Friends don't let friends read Usenet
al@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
ae677@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Drum roll.
It begins:
alt.fan.monty-python?
Preview of coming rapellings....
The Life of Bruce.
"People's Popular Front of Joshua Tree have volunteered you to organise
the
scism from the Front for Joshua Tree's Popular People."
....
This FAQ is rated R for "run out" by the UCRA.
Subject: Rex Dot Climbing and the Search for the Holy Grail (humor?)
(ominous/dramatic background music)
Rex Dot Climbin & den Holie Grailen
KLETTERN och den Hoilen Grailen
written by
Steve Lindell
"Bicycle Repair man"
# (If gravity warps space-time, do grave thoughts warp your mind?)
# Why does it seem like I rewrite the whole thing every time I try to
# add a bit? I must be trad writer who must lower and pull all gear
# before making another attempt.
^L
With:
Wik
The climbing party:
Sir Hildenbrand "the original."
Sir Bailey "The Off Width."
Sir Karnes.
Sir Slime.
Sir Perens.
Sir Bruce Vernon.
Sir Eric, the 'alf bee.
And numerous small furry creatures
The guilty party:
Sir Bruce Ilana Stern, Big Sister to rec.climbing
Annie Butler Elliott
Joe Pullara
Neal Ian Mitchell
G.J. Waldron
Eric Hirst
Sam Linzell
Dave Kumpf
Kobus Barnard
Chris Webster
Steve Newby
Struan Gray
wik
And mani interesting furry animals
including the majestik moose
^L
Edited by:
Eugene My hEN
Continuity
Screenplay
My hEN
Klettern Ni e Sverge this summer?
^L
Trans****t provided by DARPA
Jag olska Cloud berries med Silta
^L
STOP, THE PEOPLE HIRED TO DO THE SUBTITLES HAVE BEEN SACKED.
WE NOW RESUME THE CREDITS REDONE AT GREAT EXPENSE OF TIME AND MONEY.
^L
( Latin beat background music )
Musical score by Lorenzo Llama
Starring a cast of 50 Bolivian mountain llamas
Tibetan casting by Dali Llama
^L
>[Much evidence of a slow day at work deleted...]
Meanwhile, rub some gravel in your hair for lunch & get back in [climbing]
gear!
I always thought that a parody of Holy Grail would make a good climbing
movie.
--Steve Lindell
This sucketh mightily.
--A reviewer
^L
Opening scene:
England (not)
1994 A.D.
Opening scene: dramatic music with many horns.
A foggy day with the wind blowing the mists through the sparse trees.
A rutted logging road fades over a rise.
In the distance a clanking and wheezing sound is heard that sounds
strangely
like a red VW micro-bus trying to work its way up the road.
Soon over the rise appears a figure dressed in a rugby ****rt and white
painter
pants pretending to drive as he bounces along. Behind him carrying a
massive
rack with the bongs banging together and wheezing under the load is his
belay servant.
To repeat:
A rutted road with the sound of clanging metal like a VW Bus banging up
it.
Fade back to King Arthur walking up the road pretending to drive with
his muse behind banging 2 bongs together (could include a 4 pack a day
smoker
to get the proper wheezing effects in).
They continue on until they come to a small crag with a couple of climbers
top roping a route. The belayer looks at the new arrivals and shouts:
"Who goes there?"
ARTHUR (shouts) : It is I, Arthur, Son of Ulam of Boulder, First
ascentionist
of the Dragon, Winner of the Saxon pumpfest, from Yosemite,
King of the Climbers.
Belayer: Pull my other one.
Arthur: It is I, Arthur, and my servant, Patey.
We have traveled the length and breadth of America looking for
climbers to join us. We have come to talk to your lord and leader.
Belayer: You've got bongs there, and your banging them together,
where did you get them?
Arthur: We found them.
Belayer (with an English accent similar to that of Eric Idle): But bongs
are
used in the mountains and this is the Mid-West.
Arthur: The cliff swallow may fly west with the sunset and the chickadee
may visit alpine zones, yet they are not strangers to our plains.
Belayer: Are you suggesting that pitons migrate?
Arthur: They could be carried. It could grip the eye or lightening holes.
Belayer: It is not a question of how it grips it. A 5 oz. bird cannot
carry
a 1 pound piece of steel.
Arthur: But, it doesn't matter how they got here!
Belayer: In order to maintain airspeed a swallow must beat its wings 43
times
per second.
Another belayer shouts over: "It could be carried by a Canadian Goose...."
Belayer: True, but Canadian geese only migrate north-south not east-west
Belayer2 (coming in late): That's an unladen swallow. If they were two
and
walking and dragging. Wait a minute, supposing two swallows carried
it together or it had these holes drilled in it like this.
Belayer: Suspended by a runner between them?
Belayer2: Carried under their dorsal feathers. They could be carried.
He could carry it with a sling.
Belayer: Even using a girth hitch.
Belayer2: No, no, no. Not enough tension.
Arthur and Patey ride off leaving the belayers debating the flight
characteristics of swallows and geese. (Type II.)
# http://www.style.org/unladenswallow/
Arthur and Bruce travel past a concession stand when
they stop to ask some elderly looking tourists stepping out of their
Winnebago decked out with TV antennas and lawn chairs on their way to Camp
4.
They set up a top rope and start climbing up a near by crag, rope trailing
down to the belayer in the Winnie door way. King Arthur meets the
two local climbers on the 5.4 and asks directions.
Arthur: "Old woman. Old woman."
"I'm not an old woman. My name is Wayne."
Wayne's second: "Oy so your a big wall climber are you?"
Wayne: "Using aid to subjugate the rock do you?"
Wayne's second: "Oh and who do we have here coming along with 3 belayers?"
Arthur: "It is I, Arthur, your king and guidebook author."
Wayne: "What I object to is the way you automatically treat me as an
inferior.
By exploiting the workers. By hangin' on to imperialist dogma which
perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
If there is ever going to be any progress....."
Wayne: "I thought we were climbing in a free climbing zone."
Wayne's second: "There you go bringing class into it again."
Wayne: "You're fooling yourself. We're climbing in a dictator****p, where
self-appointed ethics dictators come in and try to tell us what to do.
*WELL,* here, we let local ethics rule. You come waltzing in here and
expect us to follow your ethics. If we want to retrobolt these
climbs, then we can."
Wayne: "We get together at the bar and vote on what the ethics are going
to be
this week"
Arthur: "You don't vote on ethics, they are divinely granted along with
the
rock you climb..."
Wayne: "That may have been OK when all you had were PAs or Robbins boots,
but nowadays..."
Arthur begins to back off...
Wayne: "Who appointed you ethicist?"
Arthur: "The lady of the cliff; her arm clad held aloft Excalibur.
Signifying that I, Arthur, may lead by devine providence."
Wayne: "Listen, strange women lying in tarns distributing hardware is no
basis
for a rating system. ... you can't expect to wield supreme executive
power. Just because some fossilized tart threw a piton hammer at
you doesn't an expedition leader make. Supreme route picking power
derives from the mandate of the party."
Arthur: "*RIGHT!* Time to split or moderate this news group."
And draws his hammer.
Wayne: "Now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help,
I'm being suppressed!"
Arthur, fed up, leaves.
Background sounds tourists discussing the relative merits of Stealth vs.
Boreal
rubber for thin smears fading off into the distance ...
Continuing. Klanking bongs, I mean klanking VW sounds.
Arthur and Patey enter the wood and spy two climbers bouldering next to
a bridge. Up, then fall down. Up, and then fall down. One finally
climbs
too high, falls and dies. Arthur and Patey look at each other, shake
heads
up and down, impressed. The survivor climbs down very slowly,
deliberately,
a hood covers his head.
Survivor: "NONE SHALL PASS."
Arthur: "You climb with the strength of many men...Join me. Will you join
me?"
Knight: "NONE SHALL PASS."
Arthur: "Will you join me?"
Silence.
Arthur: "I must climb this pitch."
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Then you shall wait."
Arthur: "But I am your King, the leader of the expedition."
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "I move for no man."
The Knight falls off of the jam ripping his arm off.
Arthur: "Now stand aside worthy adversary."
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "T'is but a scratch."
Arthur: "Your arm is off."
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "I've had worse."
Arthur: "Come on you Patey."
The Knight again falls off the jam, ripping the other arm off
Arthur: "Victory is mine"
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Oh, you've had enough have you?"
Arthur: "Look you stupid bastard, you have no arms left."
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Just a flesh wound."
Arthur gives him a push and he slides down the friction pitch
wearing his legs off.
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Chicken.."
Arthur: "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Alright we'll call it a draw."
Arthur shrugs.
Knight of the Slow Climbing Party: "Come back here, I'll chew your ropes
up..."
Fading. Klanking bongs, I mean klanking VW sounds into the distance.
The band comes over a rise and there is motley collection of tents set up
Sir Hildenbrand "the original:" "Camp 4."
Sir Lungelot: "Camp 4"
Sir Slime: "Camp 4" with a far off sigh.
Sir Galatrad: "Camp 4."
Sir Bailey: "Camalot?"
Arthur: "On second thought let's not go to Camp 4. It's a silly place.
The party proceeds, when up in the sky the clouds part and a face appears.
Gene deep clearly artificial voice:
"Arthur.... Arthur, King of the Britons...
Oh, don't grovel. If it's one thing, I can't stand it's
people groveling."
Arthur: "Sorry," groveling.
Gene: "And don't apologize. Everytime I try to talk to someone it's
'Sorry this', and 'Forgive me' that. And 'I'm not worthy.'
What are you doing now?"
Arthur: "I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord" squinting and ****elding eyes.
Gene: "Well don't. It's like those miserable Shooting Star Guides.
They're so depressing. NOW. KNOCK IT OFF."
Arthur: "Yes Lord."
Gene: "RRRight."
Gene: "Arthur King of the Britons, your climbers of the Round Tent shall
have
a task to make them an example in these Dark Times.
Climb the 'Holy Grail.'
[editor note: first ascent by J. Christ using 4 nails and a large
wooden cross to protect the chimney section (the original Triton?
or #87 big bro?)].
Eternal hardman status is to be granted to the second ascent party."
Arthur: "Good idea. Lord."
Gene: "Of course, it's a good idea. ... It is your sacred task. ...
That is your purpose. The quest for the Holy Grail."
Gene - hands down the 10 FAQs to Moses (A. Sanderson) who worked on
access to the undersea cliffs in the Red Sea, granted but then the access
is revoked when the army starts to use the cliffs... climbs the mount to
return with the 10 FAQs -
- Thou shall not bear false headers.
- NO ABBERS (abseiling is not climbing).
- Thou shall not covet thy neighbors rack.
- NO ABBERS.
- There shall be no graven images (no copying guidebooks).
- NO ABBERS...
...
by the way, mind if we call you Bruce? - whoops wrong parody.
Sir Lungelot: "A blessing, God, be praised."
The climbers strike out in search of the mythical route.
The scene changes to a crowded base camp along the snout of
a glacier. A voice becomes distinct.
"Bring out your dead, bring out your dead!"
"Bring out your dead, bring out your dead!"
Straun leads a wagon rolling through the camp loaded with blocks of
ice with stray body parts sticking out (some with obviously used bits
of rappel anchors still attached).
A man climbs out of a tent and shoulders his old partner (complete with
lederhosen and manila rope), "I've got one for you here."
Straun: "But that doesn't look dead to me, he's still twitching."
The mountaineer moves his head and croaks (worried): "Oh, oh. But,
I'm not dead yet."
Man(may we call him George): "But it won't be long now, what with 200$
access fees. And he smells like he died 3 months ago."
[Historian pops in: George was to go on to fame for his contriverisal book
on the theory that climbing ability in inherited - The Bell Curve]
Mountaineer: Well you don't smell to good yourself, at least
I bathed at that Wendy's last month.
Straun: I can't take him unless he is actually dead, just decomposing
isn't enough.
George: Well you wouldn't want him littering the upper slopes now
would you?
Straun: "Well ... ok, but just tell him to keep quiet and tie some of
these slings around his femur."
Arthur "drives" through a throng of tourists milling around the
KOA campground.
Straun: "There goes a climber."
Man: "Why?"
Straun: "He's the only one covered in ****."
Fade into a scene at the bottom of a cliff, Gregorian type chants are
heard punctuated by grunts at regular intervals. As the camera moves
in, we can see a line of climber/monks dressed in brown lycra chanting
and then trying to stuff their feet into shoes obviously 6 sizes
too small for their feet.
We leave Fort Collins, and the scene changes to the primitive village
of Boulder:
In the town square a mob is building, street vendors are hawking tofu
burgers in the background.
A woman is thrust up onto the platform.
"She's a witch; she's a witch who else would have 10 pounds of hair."
"How do you know she's a which?" said by a stately Sir Bruce.
"Well, she turned me into a newt"
"A newt?"
"....Well, I got betta."
"BURN HER."
"Now that is not enough, we must prove it scientifically.
So state your format," said Sir Bruce.
"Well, lets see..."
"She climbs the side of sheer mountains..."
"She is able to predict the weather by giving incantations
to a fla****ng box."
"Ok, lets go with the first one, since any good wizard can predict the
weather with only some goat bones. Now, if she is a witch climber,
she would be attacted by the devil, and what mountain is named for
the devil?" said Sir Bruce.
The Net crowd: "Devils's Tower"
"And how was Devil's tower first climbed?"
Net Crowd: "With wooden stakes."
"And what is a characteristic of wooden stakes?"
Net Crowd: "You hammer them?"
"No, something else."
Net Crowd: "They float!"
"Yes, and what else floats?"
Net Crowd: "A duck?"
"Yes, so if she is a climber of the devil, she must float, and therefore
weigh the same as a duck."
Net Crowd: "Bring out the scales!"
Ilana is put on the scales with a duck and they balance ....
The net crowd goes wild. They take her away.
Ilana: "At least, it was a fair trial..."
Sir Bruce: "My lege."
King Arthur: ""Brave climber what be thy name?"
Sir Bruce: "I am Sir Bruce Ledacliff."
Sir Bruce joins Arthur.
Narrator: And thus Arthur begins his journey and is soon joined by:
"Sir Ledacliff. The first."
(A climber with a modern ethic. Mostly trad routes but he has been known
to clip bolts on practice routes).
Narrator: "Sir Lungealot the Brave."
(A mountaineer of the modern idiom. Thinks nothing of ice climbs where
every third belay actually has an anchor in. Solos new routes just to
make
it interesting).
Narrator: "Sir Galatrad the Pure."
( A clean cut trad climber with a rack of hexes and stoppers, since cams
are
a form of aid in his mind).
Narrator: "Sir Robbin the not quite so brave as Lungealot
Who had nearly climbed a Moderate Severe on Gritstone.
Who had nearly climbed the Bachar Yearin.
Who personally wet himself on the Pikes Peak highway."
(A punk s****t climber who topropes 5.13 in the gym wearing lycra,
no ****rt and only has quickdraws clipped on his harness.)
Narrator: "Sir not appearing in this film."
(An infant wearing climbing booties climbing out of its crib).
Arthur and the Old Man
Arthur is meeting with an old mystic around a campfire in the woods
Arthur: "So tell me old man, where is the holy grail?"
Old man: "You must find the enchanter that lives on Mount Whitney.
He knows of a cave which no non-limber has rappelled.
There is much danger for beyond the cave .
You must enter the rec.caving newsgroup from which 40-50 RFDs
have entered and none have come out alive.
Then you must hand traverse the Gorge of Eternal Peril which no man
has ever crossed. Then you must Tyrolean traverse
the Bridge of Death."
Arthur turns around and the old man is gone.
Guided by a vision of The Golden Summit Register, they all scramble at
the base of where the route is believed to start (a desert tower).
They start struggling up the loose rock.
Sir Galatrad the Pure does the leading, so it can be
done hammerless free. As they approach the summit a head pops over the
edge looking down at them. A French voice calls out.
Voice: "Hellooo."
Galatrad: "Hello? Who is it?"
Gregue Eupland: "This is the crag of my master Yvon Chouinard."
Arthur and Galatrad stare at each other in shock and disbelief.
Arthur: "Ask your master if he would like to join our quest."
Gregue: "And wat iz zat you silly man?"
Arthur: "To find the one true Holy Grail and make the second ascent."
Gregue: "Ha, He did it in '63 and left the elderberry stains to prove it."
Arthur: "Can we look at it?" (Puzzled.)
Gregue: "Of course not, you are English."
Arthur: "Are you not English?"
Gregue: "Why do you think I have this outrageous accent?
Ka nig its. Ka lime bees. You smelt of elder berries and
small rrrodents. I shall taunt you a second time."
They are initially bombarded with a Bosch, battery packs, drill bits,
bolts, etc. as the French yell "Trad away, Trad away...". At this point,
Gregue begins weilding a dead cat, hitting a rec.climber with every swing.
A cry of "Rap away, Rap away." rises as the climbers all beat a hasty
retreat.
Right, charge. Run away.
Run away.
Run away.
Run away.
In a hidden protected glade with a view back to the tower:
Sir Lungelot: "I have plan, Sir.
Look if we built this large wooden badger...."
Another climber: "No, no, no..."
The sound of much hammering, drilling, sewing, machines.
Trying to gain entrance to the tower, they construct a giant haul
bag....
The haul bag is left hanging at the base of the tower. The French
suspiciously look around and haul the bag up the tower.
Sir Lungelot: "And now we pop out of the bag hanging from the tower..."
Arthur realizes Lungelot forgot to get into the bag before placing it.
A famous climbing historian/commentator appears:
"King Arthur dejected, decides to separate."
Suddenly a large rock fall cause by a higher climber sweeps the historian
away.
The Tale of Sir Robbins
Sir Robbins drove off with his band of Minstrels (a rap group) to keep
him company.
Singing:
Yo, bravely bold Sir Robbins rode forth from Lungealot
He was not afraid to die
This is the tale of Brave Sir Robbins
He was not afraid to be killed in nasty ways
nor scared to be maimed
He was not afraid to have his protection pull and elbows broken
Or kneecaps split and body bashed and turned useless
He was not afraid to have his head smashed ...
An uneasy Sir Robbins breaks in: That's enough music for now
As Sir Robbins rides along the plains, he soon 4th cl***** to the Needles
of South Dakota and a group of three hard core climbers.
Hard cores (at once): "Er, What's this?"
Minstrel pipes in: "Brave Sir Robbins"
Hard cores (at once): "What are you here for?"
Minstrel: "TO CLIMB!" (sung very loudly.)
"Brave sir Robbins only climbs 5.12"
Robbins: "Oh, nothing really, I was just going to boulder a bit"
Hard Cores: "Why don't you come along with us?"
Climber 1: "I say we send him up the squeeze chimney."
Climber 2: "No, He should go up the tower over there, you can't
protect either of them anyway."
Climber 3: "Oh, why don't we just let him climb at Rushmore, someone has
already bolted it."
The climbers start to argue about which route Robbins should try first
and when they can break for Power Bars and Gatorade. When they turn
around
Robbins is nowhere to be found.
Minstrel singing:
"Brave sir Robbins ran away
Bravely ran away." Sir Robbins:
"No, I didn't..
"When runout reared its ugly head
he bravely turned his tail and fled..
"No, that's not right..
"Brave sir Robbins turned about
and he chickened out.
He thought of protection beneath his feet
and he beat a very brave retreat..
Fade.
Back to King Arthur and Patey.
(Scene -- Arthur and Patey are climbing a hard friction route.)
Arthur: I'm 50 feet past my last piece, darkness is closing in fast, and
I think we're off route.
Patey: Could be worse.
Arthur: How!
Patey: Could be raining.
(Sound of thunder. Both look up at the sky as deluge starts.)
The tale of Sir Galatrad.
In another part of the country, driving rain.
Sir Bruce is thrutching up a desperate off width a tube chock pulls out
and rattles down the rope stopping with a clang when it hits his
belayer's stitch plate.
He struggles over the top to see a golden summit register glowing
through the fog. He goes on and enters a door meeting
two "way honed rock babes" outfitted in white lycra.
Galatrad: "What place this this?"
Female1: "This is the Climbing Gym Anthrax."
[Suggested revisions: Call me Ernie Fossilis:
>Mattie: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Ice Axe!
>Brutus: (confused) The Castle Ice Axe??
--C. Soles
]
Female2: Its not a very good name.
Oh but we are very very nice."
Female1 calls: "Midget, Crapper. Zoot."
More women appear.
Galatrad: "Can I eat Spam?"
Female1: "Spam hasn't been invented yet."
Galatrad: "Well, I came here for an argument."
Female2: "Oh, you want the door down the hall
which reads, 'Usenet'" in a high sopparno voice.
Galatrad: "Thats quite alright thank you."
Female1: "And who might you be?"
Galatrad: "I am Sir Galatrad the chaste."
Female2: "You have suffered much.
Our life must seem very dull.
We are but eight score blonds and brunnets all
between sixteen and nineteen and a half.
Cut off in this gym with no one to guide us.
Chalking,... climbing,... lowering,... recharging our batteries
on our Bosches. We are not used to handsome
alpinists in our midsts."
Female1: "Look, your hands are all cut up, let them examine you."
Galatrad: "They are doctors?"
Female2: "They post about basic medical training..."
Galatrad: Torment me no longer. I have seen the grail.
Female3: "Dingo."
Galatrad: I seek the grail.
Female3: Oh no. Bad bad Zoot. Wicked, bad, naught, evil.
Our neon sign is (dejected) summit register shaped.
Galatrad: I must go on with my quest.
Female3: We have but one punishment. You must tie her in and belay her.
And after the spanking, then the bolting...
Galatrad: Oh I could stay a bit longer.
Sir Lungealot breaks in: "What is going on here?... Quick. You
are in great danger"
Galatrad: "Let me tackle them single handed, there are only 150 of them,
I can chop their bolts."
Sir Lungealot (quickly): "We were in the nick of time."
He is holding his pack in front of him as a ****eld.
Galatrad: "Oh let me just have a little bit of peril."
Sir Galatrad begins to waver.
Zoot: "By hangdogging you can improve your ability sooo much faster,"
in the voice of a Siren.
Lungealot: "Silence!"
Galatrad: "I could have pulled them,. there were only 1500 bolts"
Lungealot: "The risk is too great."
Galatrad: "I could have tried."
Galatrad the Chaste: "Oh, Damn!"
Behind the door, Zoot: "****!"
Sir Lungealot: "I don't think I was."
Sir Galtrad: "I bet you are stoned."
Sir Lungealot: "No, I'm not."
Galatrad collects himself and continues on, still virginal to the vices
of s****t climbs.
At this point they decide to seperate.
Arthur and Bruce "drive" on into a spooky section of
the range and notice shapes moving about in the trees,
suddenly out pop some tall men in Smokey the Bear hats.
Arthur: "Who are you?"
Bear hats: "We are the rangers who say, 'Scree!'"
Arthur: "We are but simple travellers."
Arthur as aside to Bruce: "Very few Usenet groups survive after
confronting
the Rangers who say Scree. We should do as they say."
Atrhur: "What would you wish?"
Rangers: "Your impact it too high, so you must appease us."
The Rangers confer then say: "Bring ... us some shrubbery."
Arthur: "You are just and fair."
Rangers: "Nice, and not too expensive.
Suddenly, a SECOND group of rangers appear:
"*WE* are the Rangers Who Say 'Take!'"
"Take! Take! Take!"
Bruce covers his ears in pain.
"No one said we had to be true to Python. Take! Take! Take!"
And they head off.
Arthur and Bruce come into an REI and request some shubbery from the young
clerk and also a Fish Gear bolt kit.
Clerk: We only stock Goretex items here.
Bruce: "Dead cat." The clerk ****rks backward.
Arthur: "Take!"
Clerk: "Do your worst."
Arthur: "Take!"
Clerk: "No never."
A passing lawyer: "Are you saying 'Take' to that woman? Oh what sad times
are these when evil s****t climbers can say 'Take' at will to a poor trad.
There is a pestilance upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who
arrange and design shubberies are under considerable economic stress."
Arthur: "Are you an Access Fund member and shubber?"
"I am a shrubber."
Lungealot retreats to the Access Fund and returns with shrubbery and some
trail
maintenance.
Upon returning to the Rangers who say scree, the rangers thank them for
the
shubbery and inform them that they are no longer the rangers who say
scree.
Lungealot: "We have brought you a shrubbery."
Park.ranger 1: "It is a good shrubbery.
Park.ranger 2: "I like the laurels particularly.
Park.ranger 3: "We are no longer the knights who say. 'Scree.'"
Park.ranger 1: "We are now the rangers who say, 'Statute 1542 part B
section 87 paragraph 3 and demand more shubbery to form
a nice two-tiered effect and some pea gravel to put on the paths
so we don't get our shoes muddy when it rains.
Then you may pass and climb in the park.
Rangers: And for us, you must remove a bolt in the hardest granite with a
dead herring.
Arthur asks, "What modifications are acceptable in the wilderness areas in
light of the corrals erected by horse packers?"
Ranger 1: "Don't say that word."
Lungelot: "What word?"
Ranger 2: "We can't say what it is now can we?"
At this point Robbins and Galatrad meet up with Lungealot and Arthur, and
they all "drive" off while the Rangers argue among themselves.
Ranegrs: "Hey, where did they go?"
Along the side of the trail are the tourists (Wayne) are currently
discussing
whether a 20 ft factor 1 fall really generates less force than
a 10 ft factor 2 fall.
The Tale of Sir Lungealot
Open with a scene of a father talking to his son.
Son: "But, father, I don't want to climb with her I just want to s****t
rappel."
Father: "You must. She has access to large tracts of cliffs.
"But I don't want any of that. I don't want to climb."
"Stop that. Look Alex."
"Herbert. I built this climbing wall in the middle of swamp, they said
it couldn't be done, but I did it anyway.
The first wall sunk into the swamp, so I built it again,
The second wall sunk into the swamp. The third wall tipped over
and then sunk into the swamp, but the fourth wall is what you see
here. I built this from nothing and now you deny me access to those
large tracts of cliffs? Stay here until I come to get you."
Father to ****ter: "Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this tent."
The son ties a note to a "lost arrow" and throws it down the cliff.
Cut to Sir Lungealot climbing up the cliff when a piton strikes his
belayer
in the head. "Arrgh!" Blood all over the place.
Lungelot: "Patey? Speak to me."
Sir Lungealot takes the note and reads the call of distress.
"Help ! I am tied to a tall tower on swamp climbing wall," read the
note.
Lungelot: "Brave, brave Patey. You shall not have died in vain."
Patey: "I'm not quite dead sir."
A faint distance voice can be heard: "Bring out your dead."
Lungelot: "Well, You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain."
Patey: "I think I may pull though."
Lungelot: "You shall not have been mortally wounded in vain."
Patey: "I feel much better, I could come with you?"
Lungelot: "Oh? I see. Just stay here, until I accomplish a daring and
heroic search and rescue in my own particular idom? idiom,
that the word..."
Patey: "I'll just stay here, sir."
Lungelot quickly scrambles up knocking all kinds of rocks down showering
Patey and making him eat dust.
A moment later.
Lungealot crashes onto the crag, SOLOING by, he pushes an entire class of
Mazamas off the ledge in his rush to rescue the "maiden" in distress.
Upon reaching the son sitting on his ****taledge fondling his camo harness
and
figure 8.
Alex: "You have come to rescue me."
Lungealot is sneering in disgust, when the father bursts in.
Father: "Stop that. Stop that. Stop that.
What have you done? You have wiped out the whole summit party,
including kicking the leader in the chest!"
Lungealot: "I'm sorry, sometimes I get a bit carried away. I will try to
fix things when I get back to Yosemite."
Father: "You are from Yosemite? Camp 4? Are you from Camp 4?
Very nice camp, Camp 4. Very good pig country."
Lungelot: "Yes, I am one of the climbers of the Round Tent.
I thought your son was a lady."
Father: "I could understand that. Well, sit down and have a drink."
At this point the Mazama class catches up the them and threatens to
require certification and helmets for all climbers in the Pacific
Northwest.
Father: "Hold it.
Lungelot: "Sorry. Sorry. Sometimes, I get carried away.
Father-in-law-to-be: "He's killed the best man."
Father: "This is Sir Lungelot from the court of Camp 4.
A very brave and influential climber. Let's not bicker and argue....
I would like to think that I have gained a daughter."
Father-in-law: "Look what about the dead prince. Well not quite dead."
Lungealot's belayer appears and suggests that they should climb out of
harms way, but Lungealot must escape in his own idiom and grabs a rope
and does an incomplete pendulum leaving him hanging in space asking for
a prussik sling.
Cut to next scene.
Arthur and his band continue their quest for 2 years.
Winter sees the group of climbers stranded on Donner Pass where they are
forced to eat Robbins' minstrels much to everyone's relief.
On the side of a hill, explosions erupt.
The party is marching through the mountains when there is a flare of a
flame
thrower on a distant peak followed by explosions. There is a man standing
on top directing all the pyrotechnics. There is a large explosion and he
disappears after flaming himself, but he reappears next to Arthur.
Arthur: "What manner of man you can summon up fire without flint or
tinder?"
Enchanter nonchalantly points his finger and a wall of flame rises
blocking
sight of the chalk cliffs of Eldorado in the background.
Arthur: "Are you the enchanter?"
Old man: "There are some who call me,... Schneider the Enchanter.
[slowly, slyly said]
Schneider the Enchanter: "You seek the Holy Register?"
Arthur: "A grail?"
Schneider: "Yes, and you are Bruce (said slowly), I mean Arthur. (Faster)
[Arthur looks surprised.] You may call me Bruce, I mean Tim."
Arthur: "Yes, you are well informed; do you know our quest?"
Schneider: "It is the search for the Holy Grail. Besides,
the whole Usenet knows."
Arthur nods up and down knowingly.
Another flick of Tim's finger and a sign painter working erecting a
billboard
goes up in flames.
Arthur: "Can you help us?"
Schneider: "Yes, To the north lies the newsgroup of caving, wherein lies
in mystic runes the last words of Enid the Pale.
I will help you find the Caving FAQ wherein you will find
the location of the Holy Grail.
BUT! beware, the RFD for the Caving newsgroup is guarded by a
fearsome creature and the bones of 40, 50 l-users lay strewn about
its lair, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth."
Pause.
Schneider: "Follow if only yea be men of valour.
It is the last resting place of most.
Death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth."
Arthur: "Didn't you just repeat yourself?"
Schneider: "This is the Usenet after all."
Marching along they pass another group of tourists discussing the
relative grades in gyms versus outdoors. The consensus seems to
be building that its all a capitalist plot to keep people indoors where
they are closer to the snack bar.
The Runes of Enid the Pale
Random Sir Bruce the knight (they have a name for these kinds of
characters in
Star Trek): "Keep me covered."
Schneider: "Too late."
What? Where?
Schneider: "There he is."
Sir Galatrad: "WHAT?! What behind the Marmot?
It's just a furry little Marmot"
Schneider: "It is THE Marmot."
Sir Bruce: "You silly sod. You got us all worked up.
Schneider: "Well, that's no oh-orr-dinary marmot.
That's the most foul cruel bad tempered rodent.
It's got a vicious streak a mile wide."
Sirs Bruce: "You manky Scots git."
Schneider the enchanter: "YYYes, boot it's got huge, BIG teeth.
He can leap about."
The random climber approaches.
Schneider: "LOOK!" pointing in the direction of the action.
The marmot viciously attacks.
Climber blood squirts everywhere.
Schneider: "I warned you. But did you listen. No No.
It's always the same. But do they listen to me.. No no...."
King Arthur: "Right, charge."
A mass attack on the marmot is mounted, but it begins to attack back.
"Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!"
"Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!"
"Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!"
"Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!"
"Rap away! Rap Away! RAP AWAY!"
Run away.
King Arthur: "How many did we lose? Galwain."
Would it help to run away more?
King Arthur: "Do we have bows?"
Some Bruce shakes his head no.
"Brother Maynard bring up the holy hand grenade."
King Arthur: "Hum? What does the route go at?"
Sir Lungealot: "Consult the holy guidebook"
Sir Andrew: "Of course! The Holy guidebook of Stanage, t'is one of the
relics
that brother Moon carries"
King Arthur: "Brother Moon, bring forth the Holy guidebook"
Sir Moon: "Guidebook of Armaments, chapter 14, versus 1-5 -
And Lo, the Lord Whillans did grade the route at E1 overall
and the overall grade of the route shall be E1.
The grade shall not be HVS, excepting that the second and
third pitches continue at E1 and E2, neither shall it be E2,
excepteth if thou climb the first pitches at HVS and E1.
E1 shall be the gr...."
"The route shall go at 5.10b. Neither 5.10a, nor 5.10c ..."
Arthur: "WILL YOU STAY with a consistent rating system!?"
Sir Lungealot: "Skip a bit brother."
Moon: "And the Lord said, 'Take out the holy pin. Shalt thou count
pitches
to three. Four shalt thou not count. Five is right out. Two is not in.
Toward thee foe shall snuff it.'"
Sir Moon: "The pitches go at HVS, E1, E2"
King Arthur (climbing) : "Right. HVS, E1, E4"
Sir Lungealot "E2 sire."
King Arthur: "E2."
Arthur climbs the route and pulls the pin.
Boom.
The Marmot dies.
Enter the caving newslist and slowly creep along until they come to
the FAQ where they find chisled the last words of Enid the Pale.
Chisled! And decorated with bits of lint.
"Here are the last words of Enid the Pale
After climbing the Bridge of Death the Holy Grail will be
yours when you reach the Crag of Argggh."
Arthur: "The crag of Argggh??"
"He must have died while chisling it."
Sir Galatrad: "Serves him right."
Sir Lungelot: "Well perhaps he was dictating, and he died."
Sir Galatrad: "Look out, it is the black beast."
Suddenly there is a a noise in the darkness.
Gratuteous flames.
( ) /\ _ (
\ | ( \ ( \.( ) _____
\ \ \ ` ` ) \ ( ___ / _ \
(_` \+ . x ( .\ \/ \____-----------/ (o) \_
- .- \+ ; ( O \____
( THIS IS A FLAME!!! ) \_____________ ` \ /
(__ +- .( -'.- <. -_ VVVVVVV VV V\/\ \/
(_____ ._._: <_ - <- _ (-- _AAAAAAA__A_/ /
. /./.+- . .- / +-- - . \______________//_
\_______
(__ ' /x / x _/ ( \___' \
/
, x / ( ' . / . / | \
/
/ / _/ / + /
\/
' (__/ /
\
# Wow! Nice artwork. I want it. Is it copyrighted?
# Sir Slime - Who needs a dragon once in a while.
# He has since been elevated to Lord.
The black beast chases the Knights through the caving newslist and is
just about to spam their site, when the newsfeed goes down thusly allowing
our faithful knights to resume their journey. The cartoon peril was no
more.
The quest for the holy summit register could continue.
The Bridge of Death(!)
Mist.
The mighty King reaches a flat plateau, and walking across it in the mist
finds a bridge spanning a chasm.
Audience member: "Doesn't that bridge look a lot like the one in
Cliffhanger?"
Minor background climber: "Yes, this looks like Stallone's bolt gun,"
pointing down at a contraption at their feet.
[It saves money.]
Through the mist appears a obtuse dihedral with an offwidth crack
on flaky sandstone with no chance for protection, and at the bottom
is a very pointy stump with a family of ****cupines sunning themselves on
it.
Vultures circle overhead licking their chops (well you get the idea).
Arthur: "He asks each traveller five questions."
Sir Slime: "Three questions."
Arthur: "Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril."
[Climbing the Black Canyon with Layton Kor]
Arthur offers the lead to Sir Robbins, but he waffles (quite good with
Cloud
Berries on them you know).
Sir Robbins: "Why doesn't Lungalot?..."
Sir Lungealot bravely steps forward to go first.
"Just answer the five (three) questions."
Cut across to the pair starting their conversation.
The old man from scene 23 in the forest is standing at the bottom.
Schneider the Enchanter guards the bridge:
Schneider: "Stop. Who approaches the bridge of death?
Answer me these questions three, ere this climb that you may free."
Schneider: "What is your name?"
Sir Bruce Lungelot, the Off Width.
Schneider: What is your quest?
To seek the Holy Grail.
Schneider: What is your favorite SLCD?
Friends
Schneider: Okay. You can pass.
Oh? Well, thank you. Thank you,
very much.
After answering the questions Lungealot is allowed to pass and stems his
way up The Bridge of Death.
Schneider: What is your name?
Sir Bruce, the slime
Schneider: What is your quest?
To seek the Holy Grail.
Schneider: What is phonolite ****phyry?
("Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh........")
# As Sir Bruce gets flung into the Gorge
# of Eternal Peril.
Next to try is Sir Galatrad
Schneider: What is your name?
Sir Galatrad of Camp Four # worried
Schneider: What is your quest?
To seek the Holy Grail.
Schneider: What is the breaking strength of a bowline?
3521 pounds. No wait, 4892 pounds.
("Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh........")
# You have to improve your delivery: (with emphasis and an accent rolling
# the rrr's)
Schneider: *What* is yourrrr name?!
Arthur. King climber from the Britons.
Schneider: *WHAT* is yourrrr quest?!
To find the Holiest of holys.
Schneider: *WHAT* is the air speed of a cliff swallow?!
^^^^
African or Rocky Mountain?
Schneider: Gee, I never thought about that....
("Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh........")
And the Enchanter is flung into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
Revisionist history:
What is your name?
Poser of the Rec.Climbing clan
What is your quest?
I seek to stroke the Holy Ego.
What is the correct tie in knot?
Figure 8...no...Bowline....AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
....
Bruce (stemming to catch up):
How is it that you know so much about swallows?
Arthur: Well, you have to know these things
when you are King of the climbers,
you know.
Bruce: Oh...!
Arthur and Bruce start stemming over to the Bridge of Death.
^L
Intermission.
Screen filled with dancing candy and ice cream
^L
Arthur and Bruce thrutch to the top and start looking for Sir Lungealot
but give up and continue on their way
Cut to Lungealot being frisked by park rangers and begin put in the
back of one of their cars.
On the far side, Arthur and the survivors walked until they reached a
large
body of water and a boat. Patey fearfully stepped onto the boat.
The boat sailed itself [isn't this a climbing spoof? what's a boat doing
here?] to an island. The climbers debarked. A sea stack stands before
them.
[Hey wait a minute, haven't they been going up all this time? Oh shut up.]
Arthur starts up the climb and is doing an overhanging offwidth and is
beginning to shake from the strain and the fear of runout pro.
Suddenly a bright light appears and out comes a #11 hex which slots right
in...
Arthur is convinced that he has found the route. His spirits buoyed
he sticks his head out from under the roof ...
only to get a bag of chalk dumped in his face.
Gregue: "Hello, English ka lime bees."
Arthur: "How dare you profane this place. I thought you were in the
desert."
Gregue: "Zee trad zinks he can climb zee overhang? Ve do laps on zat
for varmup, go back to your snowfields and leave zee real rocks alone."
Arthur: "We demand entrance.
Gregue: "English bed wetting types."
At this point more dead cats are hurled down, and they retreat yet again.
Arthur: "Walk away, just ignore them."
Arthur turns to the French and shouts, "We will not rest until every route
is ours, and we have climbed the Holy grail and claimed it for Yosemite."
At the base, Arthur blows his horn and over the rise hundreds of ****ters
appear carrying enough gear to mount a full scale siege on the mountain.
Scenes of ****ters unrolling miles of fixed ropes, assembling rope ladders,
loading bolt guns, sharpening ice axes, test swinging grappling hooks,
and testing oxygen masks. The drum beat of martial music plays to get
every one in step. ****ters haul loads, swept away by avalances,
seracs falling on them... "Foward, hut, two, three, four.... hut, two,..."
The massive expedition starts towards the base of the cliffs.
Suddenly, a car from the Park Service appears. Next to it a paddy wagon
from
the Federal Communications Commission. From the car steps out a pair of
Rangers and a old lady that had been seen before in the back of an
RV watching Oprah.
She points toward Arthur and Bruce and says:
"Them's the ones. They were the ones that left chalk marks on
that nice cliff back there. I thought we had spots on our windows,
when I first saw that."
"I see. (turns to the climbers) Come on. Come on.
Wasting bandwidth and commercializing the net -
into the wagon with you," says the net.ranger over
a ****table loud speaker with the squelch set too high.
A second ranger: "BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP!"
The net.rangers come over and handcuff Arthur and Bruce, put them
in the back of the wagon and tell all the ****ters to break it up and
just go home.
THE END
(followed by pages of blank lines that you will of course wade through
just in the hopes of catching the clever little trailer which we
outsmarted
you by not including).
END OF FILE
From: lindell@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
(Steve Lindell )
I like this, it makes me thankful for my fuzzy rope. Maybe I should
go back to my orginal instructors comments after he issued the leather
shoulder patches - he made the comment that we would discover a reason
that lederhosen are popular among mountaineers (dating myself a bit -
tell a modern climber to rapell without any gear beyond a rope and see
how long before the lycra melts).
Quoth Jerry Bargo:
"We are the climbers who say 'Dhuuuude'."
Quote Tony Bubb:
"If you wish to pass the approach, you must bring us some.... Lycra."
Base text: http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0071853/quotes
Newsgroups: rec.climbing
From: al@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
(Al Black)
Subject: Re: Lightning detectors from ARA
The rec.climbing.softbody FAQ.
Q: How can I tell if there is lightning where I am climbing, or should
I buy some fancy dancy proprietary-technology lightning detectors
advertised on rec.climbing?
A: Although rec.climbing.softbodies are generally sup****tive of
solving problems by throwing away a whack of cash (better climbing
through credit), we found that ARA products did not outperform other
methods of detecting lightning. We followed the usual stringent
rec.climbing.softbody testing methods: we read some signal detection
theory, drank some beer, sampled donuts, and watched some videos of
ropes breaking. Then we drove to Colorado and did the same, but this
time we were looking for lightning!
In order of performance, our testers comments about the various methods of
detecting lightning.
Listening for thunder.
----------------------
Far, far, far, too many false positives. Some of the testers thought
the problem could be lessened by switching to a lighter beer. We'll
leave the testing of that theory up to the
rec.climbing.skinny.buggers.who.wear.lycra team.
Looking for hair standing on end.
---------------------------------
Again too many false positives. Lighting, fear, and a lack of quality
hair conditioning products all can lead to a person's hair standing on
end. (Of course, all three are legitimate reasons for bailing off a
climb.)
Watching St. Elmos Fire.
------------------------
A pleasant movie. We didn't detect any lightning with it though.
Watching partner turn to crisp.
-------------------------------
A highly disputed method -- exactly half the testers liked it. We took
some leaders, equiped them with a full rack, ice axes, a wet rope, and
then wrapped them tinfoil. Sure enough, if there was lightning around
we were able to detect it.
The ARA Super Duper X-3.14N excellent lightning detector.
-------------------------------------------------------
At seven hundred and twenty pounds, we couldn't get it out of the van
let alone climb with it. But it did detect lightning!
The ARA not so Super Duper P-00f lightning detector.
----------------------------------------------------
The lightweight key, string, and kite approach to lightning detection
has a history of reliable detection and used properly can also protect
offwidths. Some testers did complain a lot about being pulled of
cliffs by the device in stormy conditions.
Listening to A.M. Band radio.
-----------------------------
A surpizing winner. We duct taped a small ****table radio to the ear of
one of the testers and found that he could accuarately dectect
lightning by listening to static and weather re****ts on local
stations. By the end of the week we were all wearing them. There were
some other benifits:
a) it worked as a passive caming device making head jams more secure.
b) it made us more dynamic climbers.
c) we had up to date s****ts scores.
We have patented the idea, but since we are no longer designing
gear for Verve, anyone is free to use it.
>Airborne Research Associates
<snort> Great name for a climbing club eh?
with cc and explanation to nostrike@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
(Ralph Markson)
and a note about ads.
Ha! NooooBooooody expects the rec.climbing inquisition! (esp. an aoler).
Cardinal Miya -- the bomber bollard...
Bishop Bubb -- the tricam...
Bishops Grey, Harrington, McCann, Slime, and Stern -- the pointed wit.
CKAHTEE... CONFESS to your multitude of rock sins:
Have you taken the name of "Robbins" in vain?
cheers
al
(a python cascade that is what this thread needs.)
--
al@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
ae677@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Back to Lindell:
> |: >> a rec.climbing posse
> |: Sounds interesting.
> |"Drop that chisel or we'll SPAM (tm) you." - It might work for
climbers
> |with objections to ****k products. Would this posse be made up
> |of the rec.climbing posers?
> *HAND OVER YOUR LUPINES!*
You 'toppers' (top ropers) will never catch me alive, and if you try to
get me these pot plants get it. (Kiwi usage: = potted plants not the
other
kind). [retreats back dragging flowers with a Bosch held to their
petals).
Old lady gets on bullhorn - "Jimmy (bad guy is James Cagney in lycra),
this
is your mother. You let sweet little Petunia go now. You used to have
such
fun with your Jr. Geologist set, but look at you now. I told you never
to tie into that crowd from down the block. I didn't think it was so bad
when you just pulled a few loose stones out down at the quarry, but you
couldn't
stop there, next there was the mustache on George Wa****ngton which got
you banned from South Dakota, now this: River bank robbery. All just to
get some rounded stones to glue on El Cap.
cut to show of Jimmy - lip quivering, but still working on getting that
pocket just right for the dyno.
Jimmy - this is Chief Softbody of the Borg police department, assimulate
your
self up now, or face the net flamethrowers, remember what happened to the
last guy to suggest tying in with a bowline. If you come down now we
won't have to put you in the Kill file.
Jimmy lowers his chisel - You won't make me have to read the FAQ again
will you?
Chief - Now we can't do that now, but we will work with the judge to
get you a short sentence in alt.up.the.river.
Jimmy - Ok, I'm coming down, don't pull the bolts till I'm down.
fade out...
Voice over: The Long Rangers have solved another climber problem. Stay
tuned next week when the Long Rangers will take on top ropers with a
single anchor. If you would like to join the Long Rangers, just purchase
Pappa John Long's climbing guides, after reading them you too will be
able to save the net from unsafe climbing practices (no climbing
experience
required). Order today and get your cordelette key ring and rating
decoder ring (converts French, English, UIAA, and Austrailian to YDS).
The scenes depicted here are re-enactments of actual net files. Actors
(members MagicCap acotrs guild) were used in place of real netters. The
lanuage has been changed to protect the innocent (Exon rating PG for
violence to nature and good taste). The stunts were performed by
untrained professionals on Company computers, don't try this at home
or you may have to pay for access.
Now a word from our sponsor:
How many times have you come to a rappel and just not been able to
find the middle of your rope? I know that I used to have this problem
and couldn't afford the big bucks for a bi-color rope. But after I
invented the Noappeal Rope Marker my problems have gone away. Just
dip in your chalk bag, put and end through each of the holes and pull
until a perfect chalk mark is at the center of your rope.
__________________
| ___ ___ |
| | | | | |
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|________________| ascii depiction
made from genuine vinyl.
Not only does it help fine the middle your rope, but you can use it to
find
the middle of your pants when you are dressing for those alpine starts.
All yours for just 19.99 + ****pping and handling
But wait, that is not all, if you order today we will include this
invaluable Ginzu rope washer. Even after wa****ng 2 dirty ropes
you can wash your tomatoes with it, what other rope washer will
let you do that.
Mail today to rope_marker@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Steve:
Ok, the only thing any climber cares about is the grade of the pitch, so
let's start with the grading system.
1st class: Any posting beginning with "Knock Knock"
2nd class: Obvious follow ups to other jokes
3rd class: Requires some use of hands to control laughing
4th class: Orginal joke, no intermediate points of humor needed
5th class: Sustained humor and exposure should jokes fail. Should only
be attempted by experienced rec.climbers. Requires knowledge of
proper use of donuts and sarcasm.
Aid: Any posting with smilies is considered aided humor and leaves the
joke open for subsequent free posting.
Free Soloing: A solo post with no thread to catch it should it fail.
Grade I - a single joke
Grade II - May require a full screen to tell
Grade III - Mutiple screens of text
Grade IV - A long trip re****t joke
Grade V - Requires multiple long posts to complete (see Mad Dog trip
re****ts).
French grades go from 1-8, but only apply to Jerry Lewis movies.
British grades have 16 parts and are not understood by anyone not under
the influence of chip butties, but that is ok, no one understands British
humor either.
There are several common humor moves that most rec.climbers will
encounter:
Finger cracks: usually learned early as in "pull my finger"
Off Color cracks: Can result in scrapes and bruises if improper
technique is used.
S****t Joking: Does the joke involve lycra?
Trad Trolling: Otherwise known as newbie hunting
Ice Picks: Ascending a slippery slope with sharp bards and jabs
Expedition Jokes: Approach may take several posts before the humor
begins. May resort to siege tactics with several people
laying fixed lines to finally allow a poster to deliver the
punch line.
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